"SNO REAL AND THE SEVEN DWARFS"
in
"THE SEARCH FOR THE MAGIC CONDOM"
Review (from the Yearbook):
In a small, dark and damp hotel in the West End of Glasgow, Andrew Lloyd-Webber sat, staring upwards, as if seeking divine inspiration, at the parched, paint-peeling roof, rocking himself backwards and forwards. His eyes were reddened and bulging from lack of sleep, his muscles ached and his hair... well, it was the same as usual, really. Outside, on the Great Western Road, a queue had formed, thousands long. Thousands of people standing in the pouring rain on a cold February night, in a queue that stretched nearly two miles. It would ruin him, he thought. It would ruin everything he'd worked so long and hard for. Sarah! Sarah would leave him and run, run to this new kid - what was his name? Oh yes, Cassells - who had in his short time in the business turned the history of the British musical upside-down, and he'd be left alone. Alone, penniless and despairing. His latest rave, "The Phantom Cat of the Starlight Express," was doing badly and, after only a week, the only regular attendees were Morag Park and Mavis the usherette. He would have to sell up and return to London; but how long before every theatre in the land was stomping to the Pharm Chem Rap, and weeping at John McAnaw's classic soliloquy? He did not know. But he did know that it was the beginning of the end...
After months of preparation, nearly everything was ready. The vast warehouse that was ELvel 8 bristled with anticipation - nervy performers minced to and fo, mumbling their lines to themselves, in between gulps of straight vodka. It was an important night for stage manager, scriptwriter and catalyst Andrew Cassells. He's watched his dream grow from a baby into a colossal stomping 10-foot gorilla, with the eyes of the nation fixed firmly upon it. He anticipated massive press and TV coverage and was proven right when Pamela Moffat and Jill Walker offered to work the video camera. It was a big night and there was a lot at stake, notably the credibility of everyone taking part.
Would Joan Kelly, as the Marshall's Chunky Chicken, be able to turn down all the job offers she was to receive from Bernard Matthews? Would Maureen O'Hagan, as the psychopath Judy Pratt, resist the temptation to join the cast of the next "Nightmare on Elm Street" movie? Would Graeme McLeod refrain from entering the IXth annual spectacle hurling championship of Vladivostok? As all this whizzed through his mind, backstage things were frantic.
Moira Owens, the leading lady, was entering the fourth hour of her make-up and back-combing marathon, and the seven dwarves milled around perfecting their lecturer impressions. Soon the changing room floor was lost under three inches of perspiration. The toilets were queued out. David Ogden alarmed everyone with his heart-stoppingly lifelike caricature of every Pharmacist's Buddha, Professor John Midgely, and Carole Brown put the finishing touches to her sensitive and touching portrayal of a man misunderstood, Dr Eugene Salole. It was bound to be a winner. it had to be. And why not?
At seven, everything was ready. Inside Level 8 things warmed up - to +5 degrees centigrade, at least. Half an hour later, the doors opened, people streamed in and the hall was filled with eager anticipation. The lights dimmed, the cameras rolled, and the action began.
A hush descended (and many fell asleep) as Prof Midgely delivered his lip-synchingly predictable opening spiel, which was fortunately curtailed by the entrance of nosey Neighbour, Nel Mangel (intuitively played by willowy Maureen Boyle), accompanied by the menacingly portrayed "Ghost of Professor Florence" (courtesy of Hazel Milligan, whose inspired improvisation turned many heads... away).
Meanwhile, in the wing, Cassells tore open his fifth bumper pack of Ultra Pampers Boy and sped to the Gent's. But his fears were unfounded: the crowd loved her and consequently, Moira's little red book became a four-volume Who's Who of eligible men in the West of Scotland.
The crowd roared, cheered, and rushed to the bar as the dwarves were sequentially introduced by the lovely 'Sno Real. Anyway, apparently that hussy had been accused of running a disorderly house, so to keep her image untarnished, it was decided she should marry one of the dwarves. As might be expected, it was a difficult choice to make; luckily, the Good Fairy Davidson (alias Richard Crampton) came to the rescue; he minced on stage in a manner not seen since Dr Sheen last asked us to "Shut the back door, please." And we had always been taught that camp stood for cyclic adenosine monophosphate! to help 'Sno Real decide between her small but perfectly formed co-stars, he set them the contraceptive task - to seek the elusive Magic Condom.
This search would lead them from the hurly-burly of a busy retail pharmacy to the far more relaxed atmosphere of the Physiology lab. It is here that we gain an insight into the proceedings of a "one-to-one tutorial", which we all, no doubt, remember with something less than enthusiasm. We also became acquainted with a few of the Pharmacology staff, who selflessly cast aside their Woodstock videos and lentil recipe invention in order to appear in the production.
The next port of call was the Pharm. Chem lab, for a brief encounter with a "grumpy" lecturer, cheapskate lab technicians and, worst of all, that ultimate in torture weapons, The Aspirin Assay! As could be expected, Dopey (aka John McAnaw, perhaps the actor possessing the most effective ad-lib accent of the evening) did not obtain any results by 5 o'clock. When the technicians threatened to shut shop (played to a T by Nichola Allan and Jenni Lister), even with the help of a rather limp fairy, a fried excursion into the past, where we met the South American beauties Coke and Caine (Rhona Mundell and Louise Melvin) who thrilled us with their Pharm. Chem. Rap, all of this was less than useless to poor Dopey. It took the attention of that wonderful humanitarian, Jimmy Saville (edit:. oh how naive we were in those innocent times) (cleverly played by the effervescent Julie Maguiness) to lift him up from his doom and gloom by supplying him with his very own results and a Jim'll Fix It badge!
Next stop was the Pharmaceutics lab, where a chance meeting with the exuberant Eugenie (Carole Brown), who sang a ditty "I'm a lecturer and I'm alright" (well, most of it!) bemoaning his lot as a mortar-dweller, did no more for the quest than delay them. In the end, they gave up and went to the pub.
Here, they found Sandy Gray (as himself!) as usual under the table trying some chromatography up his tie. While scrabbling around looking for a can with some beer left in it, Sandy came across the Magic Condom (if you'll excuse the expression!).
Unfortunately for 'Sno Real, the condom did not fit anyone (including a few lecturers - thank you, Drs. johnson, Halbert and Salole!) except for a very unintelligent Dopey. She had no option but to accept his heartfelt plea and consent to marriage.
The cast bowed out to tumultuous applause and Cassells permitted a wry smile to spread across his face. He threw a cautious glance at the audience. They caught it and threw it back. They were smiling. And laughing. They loved it, and they loved him too, and he loved them, and he loved his cast, and he knew that pretty soon the world would turn into a giant pink marshmallow and everyone would join together in a rousing chorus of "I'd like to teach the world to sing," and peace would break out all over the world - flowers would grow where there had been concrete; rivers would flow through deserts; and Anne Diamond would promise never to reproduce again. What a wonderful feeling! and what a wonderful life!
On Monday, Dr Smail talked about anticholinergics.
No comments:
Post a Comment